It's weird...

Things are good. Things probably shouldn't be good... but they are. It's odd really.

The Bad
I don't get enough sleep, even though I could be.
I've gained more weight.
I found something out about my sister that I didn't want to know.
I'm not doing well at all in a class that I don't even have to take even though I'm trying hard.
I'm so incredibly jealous of my two roommates whose significant others are here at the same school and thus here in the apartment all the time.
I have a roommate that doesn't even talk to anyone else. I'd like to talk to her, but the longer she stays holed up in her room, the more awkward it becomes.
I haven't heard anything about my internship... I REALLY want this.
I spend money like it's water.
I wish I was working on a show instead of busting my butt in the box office. Somehow, people appreciate you more when you're directly working on a show.

The GOOD
I'm whitening my teeth rather successfully.
Even though students don't really appreciate me, I know doing the box office work is getting me in good with the faculty.
Things with Love are good. I think this is the longest we've gone without having a real fight. It's amazing.
I think Love has figured out a Masters program that he's interested in. I'm so happy for him. He was getting really anxious about not know what he wanted to do.
I bought a new phone that will hopefully do more of what I want it to.
I got Love a 4GB iPod Nano. This means that he'll have more room to store his music (he has SO MUCH, my little 2GB isn't cutting it) and I'll get mine back. I don't use it and/or need it as much as he does considering his job, but there have been times that it would have been nice to have - especially during box office computer work. It's a surprise. ;D
Even in considering all the bad, it's just not stressing my out. Somehow, I'm balanced or something. I just know things are going to be okay. Things that would normally send me into a tailspin, just aren't getting to me. It's a liberating feeling.
I have more friends that I realize sometimes. I do have people that I can count on when I need them. I don't hang out with people much, but I think I could make a pretty long list of people that I can actually trust. It's a good feeling.

Heh, but in the eternal spirit of the realist/pessimist, I'll probably crash tomorrow or something. (But I'm going to enjoy this while I can.)


Ahahaha...

Turnabout's fair play...

Things are much better between Love and I. I apologized, we talked... we're good.

I hate my friends.

I hate the people that I wish were my friends but am too afraid to initiate anything.

A fear of rejection is only heightened when the people that you thought you could trust turn on you... especially at the age that they did to me. I'm terrified of people finding me "annoying" or "bothersome." I tell people that my phobia is buzzing/stinging insects. Really, I have a crippling fear of feeling like I'm bothering someone. It's why I steer clear of people that don't immediately go, "Omigosh, I love you and want to be around you all the time!" or who don't initiate "friend activities." It's not because I'm lazy or stuck up; it's because I'm terrified of someone deciding that they don't like me to my face. It's a terrible predicament. I want friends.

It's why I'm an overachiever and have to have the A. Professors like people who work hard in their classes and make good grades. At least, I think they do.

I feel incredibly unnecessary.

I just want someone here that I can really talk to. Or just do things with.

I have two right now sort of like that. But they're really busy right now... and I'm beginning to think that I bother them. *sigh*

Gotta hang on to Love. He's the only one that I know won't ever reject me. When he gets perturbed when I poke at him too much or hang on him too much, I start to get that little twinge of terror, but I know that that never lasts for very long. He's the only I trust not to crush me.

What’s wrong with me? Everything.
I’m so full of so many insecurities and inadequacies. I’m a useless lump of flesh that’s taking up space on the Earth for no other reasons than to hurt people and be in the way.
I’m paranoid. I don’t even think my friends like me. I’m terrified of people.
I’m terrified of failure. It’s paralyzing.
I’m so lost and confused.
I feel like I’m underwater.
I can’t breathe. I want to throw-up.
When you’re scared and confused and alone, you’re not supposed to push away the people that love you. “Space” and “time” don’t solve anything. But somehow I convinced myself that they would just long enough to fuck up everything. You pull those that love you closer to you when you’re going through bad things. They’re the ones you can trust. They’re the ones that have any hope of helping you.
Now you’re alone. You’ve just lost your everything. Everything is not what’s wrong with you. You’re what’s wrong with everything.

Now that you’ve realized this… it’s probably too late. You can’t fix it by calling him and saying you made a terrible mistake. Doing that is like toying with him. What you wanted was for him to trust you. What you wanted was for him to become what you wanted him to become and do what you wanted him to do. You couldn’t just accept him exactly as he is, even though who he is is exactly why you love him and who he is right now is who loves you. And because he wouldn’t or couldn’t do what you him to do, you did the very thing that would cause him to never be able to. How is he supposed to trust someone who takes his heart out and stomps it? He can’t have faith in someone that has given him no reason to. This is not reverse psychology. This isn’t working.

You are alone. Look at what you did and be ashamed. It’s one thing to conquer your fears by facing them. It’s another thing entirely to let what you’re afraid of become your life.

Nobody should ever endanger themselves by loving you. You couldn’t possibly be worth their time. You’re mean, fat, abrasive, a braggart, a know-it-all, not funny, and cruel. You just crushed the one person that could love you in spite all of that. You are quite possibly the stupidest person in the entire world. You deserve to be alone for the rest of your life. Looks like you’re doing really well to ensure that that happens. Way to go.

You don’t deserve happiness because you will only destroy it for no other reason than because you can.

You’re a stupid bitch.

Today...

was bad.

I would carry this EVERYWHERE.

Fendi Embroidered Spy Bag
"Unique embroidered patterns with bead accents for homespun appeal.
• Hidden velvet coin purse with snap closure
• Fold-over flap closure with wristlet accent
• Double top handles in embossed leather
• Satin lining
• 11"H X 17"L X 9"W
• Made in Italy

$6,040.00 Sale $3,623.90 "
Saks

It makes me sick... because it's so beautiful and I will NEVER cannot EVER HOPE to have/afford it. ON SALE NO LESS! It's disgusting.

Anyway, in my pursuit of a semi-decent knock-off, I came across this, which I think is brilliant (but still don't have the funds).
http://www.bagborroworsteal.com/

"The terrorized child will not be ignored for long..."

The terrorized child will not be ignored for long.
Once she notices she has grown into a powerful enough person to begin to protect herself, that little girl will keep telling the grownup over and over about her memories - until she finally gets the safety and protection she has needed for so long!
- http://www.helpyourselftherapy.com/

I need to find someone to talk to.
http://tinyurl.com/2dtoht

Thanks, Golden Girls

Old people make me want to cry. Especially lonely ones whose friends and special people have died. I don't want to be one of those people. It's not like I don't feel lonely enough as it is and I'm only 20.

I think that's why I'm so worried about your health and your weight. I don't want to be one of those lonely old people at 40 because you're gone. If I have to be a lonely and old I better be so old that I don't know that I'm lonely.

Please don't leave me early.