Thanks, Golden Girls

Old people make me want to cry. Especially lonely ones whose friends and special people have died. I don't want to be one of those people. It's not like I don't feel lonely enough as it is and I'm only 20.

I think that's why I'm so worried about your health and your weight. I don't want to be one of those lonely old people at 40 because you're gone. If I have to be a lonely and old I better be so old that I don't know that I'm lonely.

Please don't leave me early.

Bleh.

PostSecret needs to be updated NOW.

*edit*
I don't know where all this self pity is coming from... I'm tired of this.

Anyway... I know she got my message. She's accept friend requests since I sent it. No reply yet. I keep checking. Nothing. I'm so paranoid right now. I feel like I'm in middle school again. I'm 20-fucking-years-old and I feel like I'm 12 and back in the absolute worst part of my childhood. It's enough to drive someone batty.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

An Attempt

So, I'm trying to fix what happened with what's-her-name. I sent her an email suggesting that we work out whatever the problem is. Well, mostly I said that I was sorry if I did anything that made her mad. I want to just tell her to get off my nuts and quit being a bitch to me for whatever stupid reason makes sense in her twisted little mind...
[Holy shit. It just hit me. I think I know what I did. And if this is the reason that she takes things way too fucking seriously and way too fucking personal. I called her brother a "little weird-o." I didn't mean that as an insult AT ALL. Shit. Kid came up to me and first thing her asked me was if I know how to make voodoo dolls. Holy crap, if she's gonna get that bent out of shape over an off-handed comment like that, then she really can kiss my ass. Jesus Christ...]
But back to what I was saying before I had that little epiphany in the middle of my post: ...but I was really worried about making things worse and then coming across to everyone else as the real bitch. At least this way I have actual proof that I attempted to humble myself and fix whatever was wrong between us.


Mostly, I'm just really ready for my paycheck on Sunday.

"I has a slight depression..."
"I is on ur internetz, postin whinee, depressin postz..."

Just have to get through Sunday.

She really did make me feel better.

But then bitch-o-tron had to ruin my good mood again during the show. I'm so tired of negative people. I've been trying so hard not to be negative. It's so weird how one person's bad mood can ruin you own. I just want to know what I did to deserve her scorn.

I don't get to see him this weekend. I don't have the money for gas and I'll be working the whole time anyway. It sucks so bad. I really needed his support to get through the rest of these shows. Considering the tone that I've been getting from what's-her-face over the last couple of days, I'm totally willing to quit. It wouldn't be worth it to deal with her except that I REALLY need the money that I'll be getting on Sunday. I've worked too hard to give away that much money just because some bitch has decided that I'm not worth treating like a person.

I feel a little like this cat:

Breaking

I'm so frustrated right now. I'm tired and angry and I don't know how to stop feeling like this. My best friend is coming to visit me tomorrow. I hope that she will make me feel better, but I'm scared that I will just feel worse when she leaves.

I kind of want to kill myself.

That is, if I didn't already feel like I'm dying.

I'm so tired of people. The just piss me off. But I'm so lonely at the same time.

I think that's what I love about my boyfriend. He might make me angry every once in a while, but I never feel alone when I'm with him.

I miss him so much right now.

I just want to cry, but I'm afraid my roommate will see.

"Just let me lay my head upon your knees:"

It's 3:30 in the morning. I should have been in bed hours ago. I need help. This self-destructive behavior has got to stop.

"Your childish head grows heavy..."

It took me a little while to figure out how I was going to use this blog. Blogs in the past, for me, have never been anonymous and have mostly contained childish whining about the sad state of my life. This one is going to be different. At least, I'm going to try.

I've decided that this is going to be my personal PostSecret. I'm going to try not to whine. My life is good. I'm just dealing with a current sense of ennui that I haven't felt since high school. It's a little scary, but my hopes for this blog is that it will be an outlet that will aid me in "fixing" whatever is wrong. And if I'm really lucky, maybe it will help someone else too.

(1) The photograph is from ICanHasCheezburger.com. It is one of my favorite sites of all time. I don't laugh as much as I used to. This makes me laugh.

(2) I get bothered when I realize that my secrets aren't Special or Unique. But somehow, I'm okay with it if you feel the Same Way.

(3) I will always be fat. And it makes me very sad. I don't know how to fix myself.

(4) I bang my heels when I walk... just like my grandfather. I think I'm and alcoholic... just like him too.

(5) I am too short to be beautiful. Ever.

(6) Because you won't lose the weight, I'm scared of you becoming handicapped like your mother. Mostly, I'm scared that I will become your father. I don't think I can marry you. But I sure have a lot of room to talk, don't I?