and this is what resulted:
He came to me first in my dreams. An unknown man, strong and with a kind smile met me at the end of a nightmare. The nightmare was always the same: I would be running for my life, pursued by evil things that wanted to hurt or kill me. Sometimes in the dream, they would catch me and I would fight for my life. Other times I would hide, cowering in fear as they passed by, searching for me. In either version, I always found my way to what I believed to be a safe place. A garden or a park, something with trees and grass and normal people – the people in my haven weren’t like the ones chasing me. These people were normal… not deformed or possessed. They could never understand why I arrived in their park looking so terrified, so frantic, raving about monsters trying to kill me. Often, they were people that I knew – classmates, coworkers, teachers, and family members. In this safe place, I would begin to calm down, the nightmare would begin to ebb but there was always this sort of background noise… a low hiss warning me that the monsters could somehow get to me here, too. The idea that it wouldn’t just be me in danger, but that all of these other people could be hurt too loomed over me. At some point, before the dream ended completely, there would be a man that I didn’t know there, the one that I have spoken of previously. He exuded safety from every inch of him, his smile, his eyes, his arms even… He would act as if I knew him, and somehow I felt that I did. “You’re safe now,” he’d say to me and I’d press myself against his chest and let the feeling of security wash over me. But at some point I would let go. I would turn my back on him to go talk to the others in my sanctuary. Then the same feeling of dread, the terror of being chased would return. I could feel him behind me, strong yet almost sensual hands on my shoulders, positioned just at the base of my neck. He’d lean in, and whisper in my ear, “I could kill you so easily. Do you think I’d need to look like your monsters to kill you?” I’d let the feeling of rage, the anger at being betrayed well up inside of me. I’d get loose, turn on him – lash out punching and kicking. Nothing hurt him in the slightest bit. He’d simply pull me back to him and, despite my best efforts, kiss me.
And that would be the end of the dream. For 3 months, it was the same dream all the time… Until one day, I recognized the man not from my dream but from the real world. I had known and worked with the real man for almost a year at this point. He had a wife, a new baby. The dream man had almost become like a secret lover – though the dream never went any farther than a kiss, and in spite of the danger I felt with him, I had become very attached to sensual nature of it all. I had never thought of the real life man like this. At least, I didn’t think that I had… suddenly I found myself infatuated with – no – lusting after this real life man. I started to have fantasies about him confessing his love for me, telling me he was leaving his wife and wanted only me. He was suddenly so attractive, so desirous… I thought I was going crazy… My mind began playing tricks on me. Every smile, every hello sent shivers throughout my entire body. I began to sense things that weren’t there – a mutual attraction that I knew could in no way exist. But I couldn’t let it go. I wanted to revel in my attraction…in my pretend world where he wanted me too…
TBC? Dunno, gotta think about where I’m going with all of this. It makes me feel pretty dirty... =/
"When we talk about your boss and I jokingly say, 'Omigosh, I'm in love with that man!', what I really mean is, 'I want him to fall in love with me and leave his wife.'"
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
I love Darvocet.
I'm tired of being fat. But I don't think I'll even be able to change.
I made a C on my History mid-term and I don't care. At least, I think I don't care.
I don't know... something. Ha ha, I don't know what it was that I don't know.
The Director keeps suggesting that I do something more than running the world. He wants me to design or direct. I don't know if I want to do either of those thing. I'm very comfortable where I am and with my current plan... His suggestions are flattering and insulting at the same time.
I don't think I'd be so fat if I was less lonely. I have such anxiety in social situations where there are people I don't know. I went out with the Lez when she came to visit. I almost had a breakdown. It was terrifying.
My life is such a mess.
I don't think I care.
Hahaha...
Thursday, September 20, 2007
It's weird...
Things are good. Things probably shouldn't be good... but they are. It's odd really.
The Bad
I don't get enough sleep, even though I could be.
I've gained more weight.
I found something out about my sister that I didn't want to know.
I'm not doing well at all in a class that I don't even have to take even though I'm trying hard.
I'm so incredibly jealous of my two roommates whose significant others are here at the same school and thus here in the apartment all the time.
I have a roommate that doesn't even talk to anyone else. I'd like to talk to her, but the longer she stays holed up in her room, the more awkward it becomes.
I haven't heard anything about my internship... I REALLY want this.
I spend money like it's water.
I wish I was working on a show instead of busting my butt in the box office. Somehow, people appreciate you more when you're directly working on a show.
The GOOD
I'm whitening my teeth rather successfully.
Even though students don't really appreciate me, I know doing the box office work is getting me in good with the faculty.
Things with Love are good. I think this is the longest we've gone without having a real fight. It's amazing.
I think Love has figured out a Masters program that he's interested in. I'm so happy for him. He was getting really anxious about not know what he wanted to do.
I bought a new phone that will hopefully do more of what I want it to.
I got Love a 4GB iPod Nano. This means that he'll have more room to store his music (he has SO MUCH, my little 2GB isn't cutting it) and I'll get mine back. I don't use it and/or need it as much as he does considering his job, but there have been times that it would have been nice to have - especially during box office computer work. It's a surprise. ;D
Even in considering all the bad, it's just not stressing my out. Somehow, I'm balanced or something. I just know things are going to be okay. Things that would normally send me into a tailspin, just aren't getting to me. It's a liberating feeling.
I have more friends that I realize sometimes. I do have people that I can count on when I need them. I don't hang out with people much, but I think I could make a pretty long list of people that I can actually trust. It's a good feeling.
Heh, but in the eternal spirit of the realist/pessimist, I'll probably crash tomorrow or something. (But I'm going to enjoy this while I can.)
Ahahaha...
The Bad
I don't get enough sleep, even though I could be.
I've gained more weight.
I found something out about my sister that I didn't want to know.
I'm not doing well at all in a class that I don't even have to take even though I'm trying hard.
I'm so incredibly jealous of my two roommates whose significant others are here at the same school and thus here in the apartment all the time.
I have a roommate that doesn't even talk to anyone else. I'd like to talk to her, but the longer she stays holed up in her room, the more awkward it becomes.
I haven't heard anything about my internship... I REALLY want this.
I spend money like it's water.
I wish I was working on a show instead of busting my butt in the box office. Somehow, people appreciate you more when you're directly working on a show.
The GOOD
I'm whitening my teeth rather successfully.
Even though students don't really appreciate me, I know doing the box office work is getting me in good with the faculty.
Things with Love are good. I think this is the longest we've gone without having a real fight. It's amazing.
I think Love has figured out a Masters program that he's interested in. I'm so happy for him. He was getting really anxious about not know what he wanted to do.
I bought a new phone that will hopefully do more of what I want it to.
I got Love a 4GB iPod Nano. This means that he'll have more room to store his music (he has SO MUCH, my little 2GB isn't cutting it) and I'll get mine back. I don't use it and/or need it as much as he does considering his job, but there have been times that it would have been nice to have - especially during box office computer work. It's a surprise. ;D
Even in considering all the bad, it's just not stressing my out. Somehow, I'm balanced or something. I just know things are going to be okay. Things that would normally send me into a tailspin, just aren't getting to me. It's a liberating feeling.
I have more friends that I realize sometimes. I do have people that I can count on when I need them. I don't hang out with people much, but I think I could make a pretty long list of people that I can actually trust. It's a good feeling.
Heh, but in the eternal spirit of the realist/pessimist, I'll probably crash tomorrow or something. (But I'm going to enjoy this while I can.)
Ahahaha...
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Turnabout's fair play...
Things are much better between Love and I. I apologized, we talked... we're good.
I hate my friends.
I hate the people that I wish were my friends but am too afraid to initiate anything.
A fear of rejection is only heightened when the people that you thought you could trust turn on you... especially at the age that they did to me. I'm terrified of people finding me "annoying" or "bothersome." I tell people that my phobia is buzzing/stinging insects. Really, I have a crippling fear of feeling like I'm bothering someone. It's why I steer clear of people that don't immediately go, "Omigosh, I love you and want to be around you all the time!" or who don't initiate "friend activities." It's not because I'm lazy or stuck up; it's because I'm terrified of someone deciding that they don't like me to my face. It's a terrible predicament. I want friends.
It's why I'm an overachiever and have to have the A. Professors like people who work hard in their classes and make good grades. At least, I think they do.
I feel incredibly unnecessary.
I just want someone here that I can really talk to. Or just do things with.
I have two right now sort of like that. But they're really busy right now... and I'm beginning to think that I bother them. *sigh*
Gotta hang on to Love. He's the only one that I know won't ever reject me. When he gets perturbed when I poke at him too much or hang on him too much, I start to get that little twinge of terror, but I know that that never lasts for very long. He's the only I trust not to crush me.
I hate my friends.
I hate the people that I wish were my friends but am too afraid to initiate anything.
A fear of rejection is only heightened when the people that you thought you could trust turn on you... especially at the age that they did to me. I'm terrified of people finding me "annoying" or "bothersome." I tell people that my phobia is buzzing/stinging insects. Really, I have a crippling fear of feeling like I'm bothering someone. It's why I steer clear of people that don't immediately go, "Omigosh, I love you and want to be around you all the time!" or who don't initiate "friend activities." It's not because I'm lazy or stuck up; it's because I'm terrified of someone deciding that they don't like me to my face. It's a terrible predicament. I want friends.
It's why I'm an overachiever and have to have the A. Professors like people who work hard in their classes and make good grades. At least, I think they do.
I feel incredibly unnecessary.
I just want someone here that I can really talk to. Or just do things with.
I have two right now sort of like that. But they're really busy right now... and I'm beginning to think that I bother them. *sigh*
Gotta hang on to Love. He's the only one that I know won't ever reject me. When he gets perturbed when I poke at him too much or hang on him too much, I start to get that little twinge of terror, but I know that that never lasts for very long. He's the only I trust not to crush me.
Friday, August 24, 2007
What’s wrong with me? Everything.
I’m so full of so many insecurities and inadequacies. I’m a useless lump of flesh that’s taking up space on the Earth for no other reasons than to hurt people and be in the way.
I’m paranoid. I don’t even think my friends like me. I’m terrified of people.
I’m terrified of failure. It’s paralyzing.
I’m so lost and confused.
I feel like I’m underwater.
I can’t breathe. I want to throw-up.
When you’re scared and confused and alone, you’re not supposed to push away the people that love you. “Space” and “time” don’t solve anything. But somehow I convinced myself that they would just long enough to fuck up everything. You pull those that love you closer to you when you’re going through bad things. They’re the ones you can trust. They’re the ones that have any hope of helping you.
Now you’re alone. You’ve just lost your everything. Everything is not what’s wrong with you. You’re what’s wrong with everything.
Now that you’ve realized this… it’s probably too late. You can’t fix it by calling him and saying you made a terrible mistake. Doing that is like toying with him. What you wanted was for him to trust you. What you wanted was for him to become what you wanted him to become and do what you wanted him to do. You couldn’t just accept him exactly as he is, even though who he is is exactly why you love him and who he is right now is who loves you. And because he wouldn’t or couldn’t do what you him to do, you did the very thing that would cause him to never be able to. How is he supposed to trust someone who takes his heart out and stomps it? He can’t have faith in someone that has given him no reason to. This is not reverse psychology. This isn’t working.
You are alone. Look at what you did and be ashamed. It’s one thing to conquer your fears by facing them. It’s another thing entirely to let what you’re afraid of become your life.
Nobody should ever endanger themselves by loving you. You couldn’t possibly be worth their time. You’re mean, fat, abrasive, a braggart, a know-it-all, not funny, and cruel. You just crushed the one person that could love you in spite all of that. You are quite possibly the stupidest person in the entire world. You deserve to be alone for the rest of your life. Looks like you’re doing really well to ensure that that happens. Way to go.
You don’t deserve happiness because you will only destroy it for no other reason than because you can.
You’re a stupid bitch.
I’m so full of so many insecurities and inadequacies. I’m a useless lump of flesh that’s taking up space on the Earth for no other reasons than to hurt people and be in the way.
I’m paranoid. I don’t even think my friends like me. I’m terrified of people.
I’m terrified of failure. It’s paralyzing.
I’m so lost and confused.
I feel like I’m underwater.
I can’t breathe. I want to throw-up.
When you’re scared and confused and alone, you’re not supposed to push away the people that love you. “Space” and “time” don’t solve anything. But somehow I convinced myself that they would just long enough to fuck up everything. You pull those that love you closer to you when you’re going through bad things. They’re the ones you can trust. They’re the ones that have any hope of helping you.
Now you’re alone. You’ve just lost your everything. Everything is not what’s wrong with you. You’re what’s wrong with everything.
Now that you’ve realized this… it’s probably too late. You can’t fix it by calling him and saying you made a terrible mistake. Doing that is like toying with him. What you wanted was for him to trust you. What you wanted was for him to become what you wanted him to become and do what you wanted him to do. You couldn’t just accept him exactly as he is, even though who he is is exactly why you love him and who he is right now is who loves you. And because he wouldn’t or couldn’t do what you him to do, you did the very thing that would cause him to never be able to. How is he supposed to trust someone who takes his heart out and stomps it? He can’t have faith in someone that has given him no reason to. This is not reverse psychology. This isn’t working.
You are alone. Look at what you did and be ashamed. It’s one thing to conquer your fears by facing them. It’s another thing entirely to let what you’re afraid of become your life.
Nobody should ever endanger themselves by loving you. You couldn’t possibly be worth their time. You’re mean, fat, abrasive, a braggart, a know-it-all, not funny, and cruel. You just crushed the one person that could love you in spite all of that. You are quite possibly the stupidest person in the entire world. You deserve to be alone for the rest of your life. Looks like you’re doing really well to ensure that that happens. Way to go.
You don’t deserve happiness because you will only destroy it for no other reason than because you can.
You’re a stupid bitch.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Thursday, July 12, 2007
I would carry this EVERYWHERE.
Fendi Embroidered Spy Bag
"Unique embroidered patterns with bead accents for homespun appeal.
• Hidden velvet coin purse with snap closure
• Fold-over flap closure with wristlet accent
• Double top handles in embossed leather
• Satin lining
• 11"H X 17"L X 9"W
• Made in Italy
$6,040.00 Sale $3,623.90 "
Saks
It makes me sick... because it's so beautiful and I
Anyway, in my pursuit of a semi-decent knock-off, I came across this, which I think is brilliant (but still don't have the funds).
http://www.bagborroworstea
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
"The terrorized child will not be ignored for long..."
The terrorized child will not be ignored for long.
Once she notices she has grown into a powerful enough person to begin to protect herself, that little girl will keep telling the grownup over and over about her memories - until she finally gets the safety and protection she has needed for so long!
- http://www.helpyourselftherapy.com/
I need to find someone to talk to.
http://tinyurl.com/2dtoht
Once she notices she has grown into a powerful enough person to begin to protect herself, that little girl will keep telling the grownup over and over about her memories - until she finally gets the safety and protection she has needed for so long!
- http://www.helpyourselftherapy.com/
I need to find someone to talk to.
http://tinyurl.com/2dtoht
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Thanks, Golden Girls
Old people make me want to cry. Especially lonely ones whose friends and special people have died. I don't want to be one of those people. It's not like I don't feel lonely enough as it is and I'm only 20.
I think that's why I'm so worried about your health and your weight. I don't want to be one of those lonely old people at 40 because you're gone. If I have to be a lonely and old I better be so old that I don't know that I'm lonely.
Please don't leave me early.
I think that's why I'm so worried about your health and your weight. I don't want to be one of those lonely old people at 40 because you're gone. If I have to be a lonely and old I better be so old that I don't know that I'm lonely.
Please don't leave me early.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Bleh.
PostSecret needs to be updated NOW.
*edit*
I don't know where all this self pity is coming from... I'm tired of this.
Anyway... I know she got my message. She's accept friend requests since I sent it. No reply yet. I keep checking. Nothing. I'm so paranoid right now. I feel like I'm in middle school again. I'm 20-fucking-years-old and I feel like I'm 12 and back in the absolute worst part of my childhood. It's enough to drive someone batty.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
*edit*
I don't know where all this self pity is coming from... I'm tired of this.
Anyway... I know she got my message. She's accept friend requests since I sent it. No reply yet. I keep checking. Nothing. I'm so paranoid right now. I feel like I'm in middle school again. I'm 20-fucking-years-old and I feel like I'm 12 and back in the absolute worst part of my childhood. It's enough to drive someone batty.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
An Attempt
So, I'm trying to fix what happened with what's-her-name. I sent her an email suggesting that we work out whatever the problem is. Well, mostly I said that I was sorry if I did anything that made her mad. I want to just tell her to get off my nuts and quit being a bitch to me for whatever stupid reason makes sense in her twisted little mind...
[Holy shit. It just hit me. I think I know what I did. And if this is the reason that she takes things way too fucking seriously and way too fucking personal. I called her brother a "little weird-o." I didn't mean that as an insult AT ALL. Shit. Kid came up to me and first thing her asked me was if I know how to make voodoo dolls. Holy crap, if she's gonna get that bent out of shape over an off-handed comment like that, then she really can kiss my ass. Jesus Christ...]
But back to what I was saying before I had that little epiphany in the middle of my post: ...but I was really worried about making things worse and then coming across to everyone else as the real bitch. At least this way I have actual proof that I attempted to humble myself and fix whatever was wrong between us.
Mostly, I'm just really ready for my paycheck on Sunday.
"I has a slight depression..."
"I is on ur internetz, postin whinee, depressin postz..."
[Holy shit. It just hit me. I think I know what I did. And if this is the reason that she takes things way too fucking seriously and way too fucking personal. I called her brother a "little weird-o." I didn't mean that as an insult AT ALL. Shit. Kid came up to me and first thing her asked me was if I know how to make voodoo dolls. Holy crap, if she's gonna get that bent out of shape over an off-handed comment like that, then she really can kiss my ass. Jesus Christ...]
But back to what I was saying before I had that little epiphany in the middle of my post: ...but I was really worried about making things worse and then coming across to everyone else as the real bitch. At least this way I have actual proof that I attempted to humble myself and fix whatever was wrong between us.
Mostly, I'm just really ready for my paycheck on Sunday.
"I has a slight depression..."
"I is on ur internetz, postin whinee, depressin postz..."
Just have to get through Sunday.
She really did make me feel better.
But then bitch-o-tron had to ruin my good mood again during the show. I'm so tired of negative people. I've been trying so hard not to be negative. It's so weird how one person's bad mood can ruin you own. I just want to know what I did to deserve her scorn.
I don't get to see him this weekend. I don't have the money for gas and I'll be working the whole time anyway. It sucks so bad. I really needed his support to get through the rest of these shows. Considering the tone that I've been getting from what's-her-face over the last couple of days, I'm totally willing to quit. It wouldn't be worth it to deal with her except that I REALLY need the money that I'll be getting on Sunday. I've worked too hard to give away that much money just because some bitch has decided that I'm not worth treating like a person.
But then bitch-o-tron had to ruin my good mood again during the show. I'm so tired of negative people. I've been trying so hard not to be negative. It's so weird how one person's bad mood can ruin you own. I just want to know what I did to deserve her scorn.
I don't get to see him this weekend. I don't have the money for gas and I'll be working the whole time anyway. It sucks so bad. I really needed his support to get through the rest of these shows. Considering the tone that I've been getting from what's-her-face over the last couple of days, I'm totally willing to quit. It wouldn't be worth it to deal with her except that I REALLY need the money that I'll be getting on Sunday. I've worked too hard to give away that much money just because some bitch has decided that I'm not worth treating like a person.
I feel a little like this cat:
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Breaking
I'm so frustrated right now. I'm tired and angry and I don't know how to stop feeling like this. My best friend is coming to visit me tomorrow. I hope that she will make me feel better, but I'm scared that I will just feel worse when she leaves.
I kind of want to kill myself.
That is, if I didn't already feel like I'm dying.
I'm so tired of people. The just piss me off. But I'm so lonely at the same time.
I think that's what I love about my boyfriend. He might make me angry every once in a while, but I never feel alone when I'm with him.
I miss him so much right now.
I just want to cry, but I'm afraid my roommate will see.
I kind of want to kill myself.
That is, if I didn't already feel like I'm dying.
I'm so tired of people. The just piss me off. But I'm so lonely at the same time.
I think that's what I love about my boyfriend. He might make me angry every once in a while, but I never feel alone when I'm with him.
I miss him so much right now.
I just want to cry, but I'm afraid my roommate will see.
Friday, May 11, 2007
"Just let me lay my head upon your knees:"
It's 3:30 in the morning. I should have been in bed hours ago. I need help. This self-destructive behavior has got to stop.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
"Your childish head grows heavy..."
It took me a little while to figure out how I was going to use this blog. Blogs in the past, for me, have never been anonymous and have mostly contained childish whining about the sad state of my life. This one is going to be different. At least, I'm going to try.I've decided that this is going to be my personal PostSecret. I'm going to try not to whine. My life is good. I'm just dealing with a current sense of ennui that I haven't felt since high school. It's a little scary, but my hopes for this blog is that it will be an outlet that will aid me in "fixing" whatever is wrong. And if I'm really lucky, maybe it will help someone else too.
(1) The photograph is from ICanHasCheezburger.com. It is one of my favorite sites of all time. I don't laugh as much as I used to. This makes me laugh.
(2) I get bothered when I realize that my secrets aren't Special or Unique. But somehow, I'm okay with it if you feel the Same Way.
(3) I will always be fat. And it makes me very sad. I don't know how to fix myself.
(4) I bang my heels when I walk... just like my grandfather. I think I'm and alcoholic... just like him too.
(5) I am too short to be beautiful. Ever.
(6) Because you won't lose the weight, I'm scared of you becoming handicapped like your mother. Mostly, I'm scared that I will become your father. I don't think I can marry you. But I sure have a lot of room to talk, don't I?
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