Ping Pong

So, I don't remember making that last post. I have a felling I was probably pretty drunk...

I've been drinking a fair amount lately. It's actually been because of work, believe it or not... We work late. Then we go out. A bar, a party... etc.

Love and I ended it. It had been over for a long time. It was just a matter of someone saying it out loud. I rebounded the night of. We will call this guy Rebound. Jesus, he's so hot. I don't know how I managed it, but I did. The only real problem? I have competition for Rebound's attention. I love this girl, she's amazing. But somehow, Competition and I always manage to be competing for the same guys. I think it's because we're both so good at what we do. We have similar features. I think. She's quite a bit smaller than me and definitely dresses better... she's fairly quiet and I'm fairly loud. But trust me, there are other things that are very much the same.

*sigh* I fucked up. This was supposed to be a one-time, one-night thing. Not that it's been anything else, but I wish that it was. It's what I get for drinking too much and being a goddamn whore. He's just fantastic. AH! Pay attention to me! You're not going to get anything out of her! I'm right here! All you have to do is call me, dammit!

Whatever. This is why you shouldn't hook up with people that you work with. Heh. This is why you shouldn't hook up with people period. I should have played harder to get. There was just such a small window of time... Bleh.

Lesson learned. But on some level, it WAS worth it.

Walking in Circles

my heart hurts today.

i had a bad night. then the morning was better. and now i've made a few mistakes today and i'm back where i started. i'm tired but i can't sleep.

everything feels wrong.

I had a weird dream...

and this is what resulted:

He came to me first in my dreams. An unknown man, strong and with a kind smile met me at the end of a nightmare. The nightmare was always the same: I would be running for my life, pursued by evil things that wanted to hurt or kill me. Sometimes in the dream, they would catch me and I would fight for my life. Other times I would hide, cowering in fear as they passed by, searching for me. In either version, I always found my way to what I believed to be a safe place. A garden or a park, something with trees and grass and normal people – the people in my haven weren’t like the ones chasing me. These people were normal… not deformed or possessed. They could never understand why I arrived in their park looking so terrified, so frantic, raving about monsters trying to kill me. Often, they were people that I knew – classmates, coworkers, teachers, and family members. In this safe place, I would begin to calm down, the nightmare would begin to ebb but there was always this sort of background noise… a low hiss warning me that the monsters could somehow get to me here, too. The idea that it wouldn’t just be me in danger, but that all of these other people could be hurt too loomed over me. At some point, before the dream ended completely, there would be a man that I didn’t know there, the one that I have spoken of previously. He exuded safety from every inch of him, his smile, his eyes, his arms even… He would act as if I knew him, and somehow I felt that I did. “You’re safe now,” he’d say to me and I’d press myself against his chest and let the feeling of security wash over me. But at some point I would let go. I would turn my back on him to go talk to the others in my sanctuary. Then the same feeling of dread, the terror of being chased would return. I could feel him behind me, strong yet almost sensual hands on my shoulders, positioned just at the base of my neck. He’d lean in, and whisper in my ear, “I could kill you so easily. Do you think I’d need to look like your monsters to kill you?” I’d let the feeling of rage, the anger at being betrayed well up inside of me. I’d get loose, turn on him – lash out punching and kicking. Nothing hurt him in the slightest bit. He’d simply pull me back to him and, despite my best efforts, kiss me.
And that would be the end of the dream. For 3 months, it was the same dream all the time… Until one day, I recognized the man not from my dream but from the real world. I had known and worked with the real man for almost a year at this point. He had a wife, a new baby. The dream man had almost become like a secret lover – though the dream never went any farther than a kiss, and in spite of the danger I felt with him, I had become very attached to sensual nature of it all. I had never thought of the real life man like this. At least, I didn’t think that I had… suddenly I found myself infatuated with – no – lusting after this real life man. I started to have fantasies about him confessing his love for me, telling me he was leaving his wife and wanted only me. He was suddenly so attractive, so desirous… I thought I was going crazy… My mind began playing tricks on me. Every smile, every hello sent shivers throughout my entire body. I began to sense things that weren’t there – a mutual attraction that I knew could in no way exist. But I couldn’t let it go. I wanted to revel in my attraction…in my pretend world where he wanted me too…

TBC? Dunno, gotta think about where I’m going with all of this. It makes me feel pretty dirty... =/

"When we talk about your boss and I jokingly say, 'Omigosh, I'm in love with that man!', what I really mean is, 'I want him to fall in love with me and leave his wife.'"

I love Darvocet.

I'm tired of being fat. But I don't think I'll even be able to change.

I made a C on my History mid-term and I don't care. At least, I think I don't care.

I don't know... something. Ha ha, I don't know what it was that I don't know.

The Director keeps suggesting that I do something more than running the world. He wants me to design or direct. I don't know if I want to do either of those thing. I'm very comfortable where I am and with my current plan... His suggestions are flattering and insulting at the same time.

I don't think I'd be so fat if I was less lonely. I have such anxiety in social situations where there are people I don't know. I went out with the Lez when she came to visit. I almost had a breakdown. It was terrifying.

My life is such a mess.

I don't think I care.

Hahaha...

It's weird...

Things are good. Things probably shouldn't be good... but they are. It's odd really.

The Bad
I don't get enough sleep, even though I could be.
I've gained more weight.
I found something out about my sister that I didn't want to know.
I'm not doing well at all in a class that I don't even have to take even though I'm trying hard.
I'm so incredibly jealous of my two roommates whose significant others are here at the same school and thus here in the apartment all the time.
I have a roommate that doesn't even talk to anyone else. I'd like to talk to her, but the longer she stays holed up in her room, the more awkward it becomes.
I haven't heard anything about my internship... I REALLY want this.
I spend money like it's water.
I wish I was working on a show instead of busting my butt in the box office. Somehow, people appreciate you more when you're directly working on a show.

The GOOD
I'm whitening my teeth rather successfully.
Even though students don't really appreciate me, I know doing the box office work is getting me in good with the faculty.
Things with Love are good. I think this is the longest we've gone without having a real fight. It's amazing.
I think Love has figured out a Masters program that he's interested in. I'm so happy for him. He was getting really anxious about not know what he wanted to do.
I bought a new phone that will hopefully do more of what I want it to.
I got Love a 4GB iPod Nano. This means that he'll have more room to store his music (he has SO MUCH, my little 2GB isn't cutting it) and I'll get mine back. I don't use it and/or need it as much as he does considering his job, but there have been times that it would have been nice to have - especially during box office computer work. It's a surprise. ;D
Even in considering all the bad, it's just not stressing my out. Somehow, I'm balanced or something. I just know things are going to be okay. Things that would normally send me into a tailspin, just aren't getting to me. It's a liberating feeling.
I have more friends that I realize sometimes. I do have people that I can count on when I need them. I don't hang out with people much, but I think I could make a pretty long list of people that I can actually trust. It's a good feeling.

Heh, but in the eternal spirit of the realist/pessimist, I'll probably crash tomorrow or something. (But I'm going to enjoy this while I can.)


Ahahaha...

Turnabout's fair play...

Things are much better between Love and I. I apologized, we talked... we're good.

I hate my friends.

I hate the people that I wish were my friends but am too afraid to initiate anything.

A fear of rejection is only heightened when the people that you thought you could trust turn on you... especially at the age that they did to me. I'm terrified of people finding me "annoying" or "bothersome." I tell people that my phobia is buzzing/stinging insects. Really, I have a crippling fear of feeling like I'm bothering someone. It's why I steer clear of people that don't immediately go, "Omigosh, I love you and want to be around you all the time!" or who don't initiate "friend activities." It's not because I'm lazy or stuck up; it's because I'm terrified of someone deciding that they don't like me to my face. It's a terrible predicament. I want friends.

It's why I'm an overachiever and have to have the A. Professors like people who work hard in their classes and make good grades. At least, I think they do.

I feel incredibly unnecessary.

I just want someone here that I can really talk to. Or just do things with.

I have two right now sort of like that. But they're really busy right now... and I'm beginning to think that I bother them. *sigh*

Gotta hang on to Love. He's the only one that I know won't ever reject me. When he gets perturbed when I poke at him too much or hang on him too much, I start to get that little twinge of terror, but I know that that never lasts for very long. He's the only I trust not to crush me.

What’s wrong with me? Everything.
I’m so full of so many insecurities and inadequacies. I’m a useless lump of flesh that’s taking up space on the Earth for no other reasons than to hurt people and be in the way.
I’m paranoid. I don’t even think my friends like me. I’m terrified of people.
I’m terrified of failure. It’s paralyzing.
I’m so lost and confused.
I feel like I’m underwater.
I can’t breathe. I want to throw-up.
When you’re scared and confused and alone, you’re not supposed to push away the people that love you. “Space” and “time” don’t solve anything. But somehow I convinced myself that they would just long enough to fuck up everything. You pull those that love you closer to you when you’re going through bad things. They’re the ones you can trust. They’re the ones that have any hope of helping you.
Now you’re alone. You’ve just lost your everything. Everything is not what’s wrong with you. You’re what’s wrong with everything.

Now that you’ve realized this… it’s probably too late. You can’t fix it by calling him and saying you made a terrible mistake. Doing that is like toying with him. What you wanted was for him to trust you. What you wanted was for him to become what you wanted him to become and do what you wanted him to do. You couldn’t just accept him exactly as he is, even though who he is is exactly why you love him and who he is right now is who loves you. And because he wouldn’t or couldn’t do what you him to do, you did the very thing that would cause him to never be able to. How is he supposed to trust someone who takes his heart out and stomps it? He can’t have faith in someone that has given him no reason to. This is not reverse psychology. This isn’t working.

You are alone. Look at what you did and be ashamed. It’s one thing to conquer your fears by facing them. It’s another thing entirely to let what you’re afraid of become your life.

Nobody should ever endanger themselves by loving you. You couldn’t possibly be worth their time. You’re mean, fat, abrasive, a braggart, a know-it-all, not funny, and cruel. You just crushed the one person that could love you in spite all of that. You are quite possibly the stupidest person in the entire world. You deserve to be alone for the rest of your life. Looks like you’re doing really well to ensure that that happens. Way to go.

You don’t deserve happiness because you will only destroy it for no other reason than because you can.

You’re a stupid bitch.